Today is the 1st May 2013. Days have been passing too fast and every week comes and goes like the clouds in the sky. But there was one thing in particular that I haven't been able to get it off my mind all these while. Despite the heavy workload at work, despite the love company I have at home, and the phone conversations with friends and people, it's surprising that alcohol, clubbing and cigarettes still hang on to my mind so tight. 

I made myself promise that it would be the last when I went to the after party on the night of the company's D&D. It started off with a strong determination and motivation and I managed to push away a couple of clubbing sessions and cigarettes offer. Every weekend nights wasn't a problem even though it was still on my mind. Then the stress from work came in, and the disappointments from job hunting came in, and the weekend nights became more horrible to live. 

I never knew I would be so reliant on alcohol, clubbing and cigarettes to free my stress level. Every time I made myself promise to stop, I did, but no doubts after one month the craving would kick in again. And the craving gets heavier and heavier until eventually, I don't look forward to weekends anymore. Because weekends are suffering times for me. Fridays are better because I get tired from work during the day, and I fall asleep fast at night, and at times I wake up at 3 am in the morning to pee and I would cry myself back to sleep. Waking up at 3 am? It's suicidal, because if I were in the club at 3 am, it would probably be the best part of the clubbing session yet. 

And then comes Saturday morning, if I get awake at 7 am, I would try and get back to sleep because that's the time I would reach home if I'm out partying. And I would continue to make myself go back to sleep, for as long as I could. Well, literally every part of the weekend, my mind is on 'what would I be doing now if I did my usual clubbing'.

I would never say I regretted turning bad, because I learn from being bad and it helped me made choices I'd never thought I would knew which one I would choose. But I just hope that this craving would stop because I can no longer afford to be playful and carefree. Things changed and the rule of the game changes too. 

This thrill seeking, attention grabbing, addictive hobby, has to stop. I need it to stop. And that was why I wanted to go see a shrink, because this issue is so disturbing nothing else seems to catch my interest anymore.

And yes, I haven't drank any alcohol, stepped into any clubs or smoked any cigarettes since the 6th March 2013. I have been good so far, 'suffering-ly' good.

ZZZZ... sigh! ;(